Sep 2011
HTML email - Just plain evil.
30/09/11 10:39
They are out there. You have been victimized by them. They must be stopped.
HTML mail users.
I'll be up front about this - I my opinion, HTML mail is just plain annoying and evil.
I do see where it can be helpful in some instances, but not for internal business correspondence.
Now, I’m not talking the “hidden tracking pixel” trick, or the potential to slip in an external link to other bad things out there on the big, nasty, Internet (but this in certainly evil indeed).
No, this is about a different kind of evil.
I’m talking about the evil that comes from allowing people to get creative. People who should not be creative. Ever.
Those people who, for some reason, are compelled to use email "stationary".
Listen, nobody is impressed by the fact that your email background looks like spiral notebook paper.
Honestly, I've never thought "Wow! It's like I'm reading right out of notebook! Cool!"
My kids use those in grade school. Do you really want your supposedly important memo to look like your kid's math homework?
And don't even get me started on the holiday themes.
I actually received an email from someone awhile back that had a line of animated dancing freakin' leprechauns across the bottom.
Yeah, it took that message really serious.
What concerns me most is that someone actually took the time to hunt down an animated GIF of a dancing leprechaun.
I think you owe the company that time back.
To prove my point, I have no recollection as to what the hell that message was about .All I can remember are the damned Leprechauns.
If we're having an office party, I'll get the hint if you title the message "Office Party this Friday".
The cute balloons and confetti background isn't really necessary. I can read.
Shame on Microsoft for even including those theme templates as a part of Outlook :
“Citrus Punch ?", "Paw Print?", "Fiesta?" What... the... hell?
I'm pretty sure your target market for Outlook / Exchange is the enterprise.
So why? Why? Why? Why?!
At least the old, annoying Office assistant paperclip character was a misguided (and failed) attempt to try to get people to use the integrated help features.
So please, people, just cut it the hell out.
We’re making fun of you as we hit the delete key.
Seriously.
The most evil invention.. EVER.
30/09/11 10:25
That’s it, ladies and gentleman.
Quite possibly one of the most evil devices ever created by man.
To those more fortunate than I, this is but a telephone. No big deal.
But to your standard nerd, this is an implement of torture. It forces us to actually interact with other humans, in real time, on a somewhat personal level.
This device is what allows people to complain to (at) us. To ask us the same questions over and over again.
Its convenience and ease of use practically begs those less geeky to ring us up and accuse us of messing with their login accounts every morning vice taking the time to check the damned Caps Lock key.
It makes us have to say “Restart the computer and call back if it still doesn’t work” at least ten to fifteen times a day.
A large percentage of us “IT Guys” did not choose this career path out of love of human interaction and our desire to hone our social skills. That’s for “Sales and Marketing Guys” (also evil, by the way).
Nay, we choose to spend 90% of our lives interacting with machines basically due to the fact that they DO NOT ask stupid questions (There are exceptions - I’m looking at you Windows).
Well, that, and we can just switch them off when they get too annoying.
Any self professed “computer guy” who has worked in a help desk or call center has learned to hate the evil thing you call a telephone.
Most of us took that initial “phone support gig from hell” as an “in” to get our careers started and we all planned on moving on up and “Getting the hell off the phone”.
I made successfully that leap up years ago... However, through a recent series of unfortunate and unforeseen events, and also thanks another particularly evil thing called an H1B visa, I have managed to once again become a slave to this device from Hell.
So…
You screwed something up royally and you need help.
I am cranky, getting older and lazier by the day, and I’m the only person left that you can call for support that speaks fluent English.
You should be nice to me, or you are soooo screwed.
These are the continuing chronicles of my daily life in the IT trenches.
No, it’s not YOUR computer.
30/09/11 09:50
An employee calls recently and opens with this line : “I’m trying to install something and it won’t let me. It said something about privileges or something.”
“That’s correct, you need admin rights to install anything on the machine. Standard users do not get local admin rights.”
“Well, that’s stupid. So, how do get something on my machine then?”
“I wouldn’t call it stupid. It is company policy. Anyway, that’s what I’m here for. If there’s something you need, just have your manager request it , and as long as it's an approved application, I’ll take care of it right away. But if it’s something we’ll need to purchase an additional license for, it may take a bit. Especially now, as we’re pretty much frozen in regard to purchases until the new owners have a process in place. No big deal, though, I’ll handle it for you.”
“Christ, this sucks. At my last company I could do whatever I wanted. I just need a few things on my machine. Why you guys gotta make things so difficult?”
At this point, I’m feeling a little less nice, as this lady’s attitude and tone are getting on my nerves.
“I’m not being difficult. Its to protect us from someone installing something that could cause problems with their machine; prevent them from maybe catching a virus or installing a trojan — all kinds of good reasons. Besides, you were required to read and sign an IT policy document when you started. Did you actually read it? Its pretty straight forward.”
“I kinda remember it. Well, this is still bullshit. I can’t add anything to my machine? So, are you going to help me or not?”
“Look, we have policies for a good reason. First, it’s the company's computer, not yours. It’s just a tool we provide for you, but I’m the guy that maintains it. I just follow the rules. Anyways, you never told me what you need. So, what’s up?”
“….Well, two things - I really like this Incredimail thing and I use Frostwire.”
Holy...freaking...shit.
“Yeah, I don’t know where you worked last, but here, I can pretty much guarantee that’s not gonna happen. Like, ever.
One - you can’t go sending those tacky emails around the business, and two - I can tell ya there’s absolutely no way in hell you’re going to get a peer to peer file sharing app installed. Good luck making a business justification case for that. I wouldn’t even put that on my machines at home. Is that all you were really looking for, seriously?”
“Well, yeah, pretty much. The IT guys at my last job were much cooler. “
I was too amazed to really to do anything for a good five minutes.
I can only assume, “cooler” equates with insanely clueless, incompetent, or perhaps they were just nonexistent.
Ladies and gentlemen, re-read my statement about it being the company’s machine.
Don’t give your support staff grief about policy. For one, wE probably didn’t make the policy in the first place.
We don’t lock things down to be jerks, there are tons of completely logical reasons.
Giving someone shit about not letting you break your machine isn’t going to make you any friends in the IT staff.
Recently, our parent company mandated we locked the desktops down even tighter, due to SOX privacy and data security regulations.
I can’t wait until this individual discovers removable storage capability has been magically disabled as well.
Man, I hope I get that call.
Of course this may all change soon. Our new owners are not a publicly traded company, and are not required to be SOX compliant.
Who knows how they’re going to handle policy?
I’m sure we’ll be hearing about it soon enough.
And of course, from the end user’s perspective, it’ll all be my fault for changing things again.
IT Marketing - Buzzword Bingo
29/09/11 23:29
At any given meeting that I attend (against my will), I can usually complete this card.
If someone from marketing is in attendance, completion is guaranteed.
Listen to yourself during a typical conversation at work tomorrow.
If you find yourself routinely using any of these in a sentence, you are a complete tool and it may already be too late for you.
Try watching “Office Space”. If you laugh, there is hope.
If you don’t “get” it, you’re too far gone already.
Best bet is to go “off the grid” and detox in your Unabomber-style shack in the woods.
Geek Cred - You have to earn it.
29/09/11 22:56
Recently I read a forum post that made me nostalgic.
I needed a project to get my mind off the whoe work thing, so I’ve been build a tube amp to hook up to my PC for better audio.
(I’m also using n offboard DAC, if you’re wondering).
This got me thinking about how "Nerd" and "Geek" has almost become the new "cool".
I really have no problem with this, but I think it may be coming a little too easy for some.
I'm miffed at all these kids who seem to believe they have earned their geek card jsut because they can Google a few lines of code,
piece together scripts, and/or spend all day playing video games.
That's not true geekiness or nerdiness. (Is that a word? It is now.)
In my day (Here I go, sounding like my father- "When I was your age we walked to school, carrying coal that we used to heat the schoolhouse,barefoot, in winter, uphill - both ways...." ) you earned your nerd skills the REAL way.
Example : my first radio was an AM crystal jobbie I built myself.
When I was younger, I used rip apart old, broken, TV sets to salvage the speakers and any other useful parts I could put to use.
It was fun and educational.
I made the classic coat hanger UHF antenna, which I kept hidden under my bed.
I used it to tune into the local PBS station when I was supposed to be sleeping to watch Tom Baer era Dr.Who episodes.
This was on a black and white 6" portable TV. Spiffy!
Remember those old beige earphone / plug things that looked like your grandfather’s hearing aids?
That was my audio. No stereo sound here.
The only reason I even HAD a television in my room was because it was the display for the Commodore VIC-20 that I spent a solid year begging my parents for.
I was lucky to even get that far - getting an actual COLOR set was a concept that probably would have caused my parent's heads to explode.
I spent hours entering in lines of code knowing full well that I didn't even have a method to save my work.
It was another year before I got the tape drive so I could save my work to cassette. Cassette! Yeah, remember those?
I even eventually rigged a switch connected to the joystick port of the VIC that acted as an intruder alarm.
When the door to my room was opened, the machine would log the time and duration.
I could even have it make a ton of racket if I chose, as an alarm.
But I took it to the next level. I had an 8 track that I found in a junked car and rigged up to be my stereo.
I hacked up an AC to DC converter to power it. Hell, yeah! Foghat on 8 track, baby.
I also remember purchasing a $40 video RF transmitter (it actually worked!).
I ran the output of our cable box in the living room through a splitter into this thing and I could gat a perfectly viewable, if fuzzy, image on the little set in my room.
I hid it behind the living room TV and prayed Dad would never find it. I could watch whatever they were tuned into.
This was gold!
Back then, there was an actual box with a key you had toggle to enable Showtime (the only premium channel available to us at the time).
So after they would send my brother and I to bed, he'd sneak into my room and we'd watch whatever rated R content the parents would tune into. Awwww, yeah...
Of course, we also discovered you could use a paperclip bent in just the right manner to bypass the physical key as well.
Hardware hacking is where it all started.
The early ham radio guys were real pioneers. You took some junk and made something of it.
I'm pretty sure these were the guys that founded places like Radio Shack.
Ah, "The Shack"...I used to save up for my Shack visits.
Going to The Shack back in the day was like going to a Disney Land for nerds.
What the hell happened to the Shack anyways?
Radio Shack used to be a tinkerer's paradise.
The Radio Shack of my youth was always an odd place, patronized by people who either had absolutely no clue, or knew exactly what they were doing.
You could go there with a buck fifty and come out with everything you needed to build a freaking cold fusion reactor.
I still miss my 100-in-1 Electronic Project Kit that Dad bought me. Do they even still have these types of things?
Once, Radio Shack was the place, but no more, sadly.
Now, they want to charge $75 for a freaking clone of a Monster cable with gold plating when I just want a cheap-ass ugly black coax.
These used to get the job done every time. When and if they died, you cut them up and used them for other purposes.
While they still have a cabinet full of cheap audio adapters, I fear their days are numbered.
Already the cheap RCA to BNC video adapters have been supplanted by gold plated at twice the price.
They've lost their way and no longer serve my kind.
Now they sell cell phones and iPods. iPods don't belong at the Shack.
The Shack is supposed to sell you parts to make your own, better one.
Remember Heathkit? You could buy complete TV set kits, computer kits.
You name it, they had a kit for it. You built them yourself like a real nerd.
Hell, they even had that cute little robot you build and program in your spare time.
Their catalogues were geek-porn before geek-porn was cool! Breadboards! Power supplies and timer ICs!
Caps and LEDs! (Do you even know what a breadboard is? If you answered affirmative, then this rant is not directed towards you.)
Sure, I did some dumb assed things and got myself shocked a few times, but I never said I was particularly wise, just curious and nerdy.
I earned my geek card. A decent percentage of my generation did.
These days kids can just fire up the big plasma flat panel and pick a movie conveniently stored on a media server, or switch on the X-Box.
There's little incentive to hack “the old school way” for entertainment anymore.
Just because you can p0wn me at Call of Duty doesn't make you hard core.
I can wield a soldering iron better than you can swing that Wii controller around. Bring it on!
My point here is that you learn how stuff works by tearing things apart and tinkering.
You look at some code someone worked on and learn from it.
While I fear the old ways of “do it yourself” are fading, there seems to be a glimmer of hope.
Go check out Hack-A-Day or one of the other excellent sites out there for inspiration.
Go to one of their meetups. They're carrying the torch proudly.
If you’re part of that community - more power to ya!
Just because it's suddenly cool, don't think you can just start calling yourself a hardcore geek or a nerd.
Earn your title and learn something in the process.
We’ll be glad to have you!
Disclaimer : I'm not responsible if you go get yourself electrocuted - books are good too, you know.
Passwordica Erotica Stupidica
29/09/11 22:29
In performing some basic functions of my job, I routinely have to ask users to verify their login credentials.
Any help desk person who’s been in the business for awhile has probably come across a few doozies.
I believe you can tell a lot about a person by the passwords they choose and I always know something good is coming when I ask someone to provide their password and I get the “uncomfortable silent pause”.
I had this happen yet again today, so I’ve decided to post some of the more amusing examples I’ve come across over the years.
These are all real. I swear.
- “letmeindamnit” - Always a classic.
- “bite69me” - This was a she. I was somewhat aroused. I feel so unclean.
- “ilikeitlong” - O.K. This was a dude. Not going there.
- “thatimeofthemonth” - I would not mess with this lady.
- “gangstacool” - Keep it in da hood, white boy.
- “b1tches4me” - You, sir, are indeed the man. Keep on mackin’ dem hos.
- “1amthesh1t” - High self-esteem is a good thing, I guess.
- “n0fagz123” - Your enlightenment and tolerance are commendable, sir.
- “1l0vebunniez” - Awwwwww...
- “colt4540oz” - Billy Dee Williams loves ya, baby. You are one smooth guy.
- “bigp1mpininnyc” - You’re doin’ Jay Z proud, my man.
- “barrymanilow123” - I’m sorry. I cannot help you.
- iceicebaby” - Word to your mother.“
- password” - Your creativity and grasp of security concepts is inspiring.
Yes, we both know that, as an admin, I could just reset their password from my end.
But where’s the fun in that?
IT Guy's Life - Pr0N!
28/09/11 22:35
Every IT guy has been down this road.
You mess something up on your machine and you need me to look it. Fine.
But please do me a favor - think first and move your **** to some type of external media before you hand it over.
Burn a CD, move it to a flash drive, flat out delete it, whatever.
Because chances are - I am going to stumble upon it.
And despite what those guys at Best Buy have led you to believe, most of us aren’t interested in finding out what a deviant freak you are.
It just puts me in an uncomfortable situation.
In a future post perhaps I’ll delve into the unwritten “IT Code” that most of us in the business adhere to.
But for now, just realize that forevermore I have to pretend I never saw those bukake pics you oh so cleverly “hid” in that folder labeled “Marketing Research 2010” and have to act like we don’t know you’re one twisted puppy.
Seriously, I don’t wanna see it, I have access to much higher quality **** anyways, I have USENET, son.
Now, don’t get me wrong here; once I found out a rather attractive older lady I worked with was a closet bisexual freak.
She had a folder full of pics of her with another chick and some dude during have what must have been an AWESOME evening.
This was stuff I hadn’t seen since my Navy days.. but I digress.
Now, most straight guys will acknowledge that thats just damned cool.
I was indeed much quicker to respond to help desk calls from her afterwards. Usually in person, for some reason.....
But there’s the dark side.
So imagine how awkward the following situation was for me. Once a CEO brought me his son’s laptop to look at.
(Note to executive types everywhere : While we’ll smile and respond with a cheery “No problem, sir. Bring it on in!”, we work for the company you just happen to run, we’re not you wife’s/ kid’s / cousin’s personal tech support. We’re only doing it because OUR boss is too weak to tell you it’s inappropriate.)
His hard drive had crashed, but I was able to mount it in an external enclosure and access the data. “Data” basically being folders loaded with gay **** - pic, movies, you name it- with the occasional Word doc that actually looked like school work.
So the son calls me in the afternoon asking if I was able to fix it :
“Well the drive is pretty much thrashed, but I can get most of your files off of it, install the OS on a new one, and transfer everything over.”
“Uh, OK, great.... uh, did you get ALL of my... uh files?’
“Well, I found few docs, some pictures, and a ton of video files. I can move them over. “
“Great, um... did you open any of them.”
“Well I fired up a few just to make sure they were still readable. They seem intact, most likely the boot sector was just hosed, but I don’t trust the drive, so I’m replacing it.”
“Oh, um.. OK. Did you check any of the movies?”
“They’re all intact”
“Oh....” “Listen dude, it’s all just data to me, alright. It’s all just 0s and 1s to us techs. Follow? “
“OK... thanks, would you be talking to my Dad at all?” “Naw, man. Look, I know your dad pretty well. Or at least his personality. Far as he’s concerned, I just told him I saved all your classwork. I wouldn’t touch on any more details even if I had a ten foot cattle prod to defend myself wth. Savvy?”
“Thanks man. Don’t give him my password though, OK?”
“Your laptop dude... Later”
You see, this CEO had been through at least three assistants in a year. They had to send him to anger management classes just so he could keep an assistant. He had a free-weight set in his office so he could pump iron during lunch. He comes from one of those countries where being a homosexual is basically a punishable crime.
So, at that point, I was the only guy in the office to know one of his kids was gay.
No way in hell I’d want t be around when that comes out in the laundry.
So spare me the potential grief and clean up your personal data before bringing your laptop to me.
Clear out the browser cache, delete the cookies, clear the recent files listing, etc.
Please?!
I have enough excitement in my life..
IT Guy's Life - How to Vacation
28/09/11 22:03 Filed in: Work
How to vacation :
This should not be hard.
You request some well-earned time off. You get it approved (or else).
You GO AWAY for awhile and DON’T THINK ABOUT WORK.
A simple concept for an average Joe like you or me to grasp, right?
So why can’t some people do it?
Example : My good friend (not really) - we’ll call him 24x7.
He goes away for a two week vacation to a tropical island. We're looking forward to it more than he is. The day he arrives at his destination, he discovers his BlackBerry will get a signal and function there. Me? I'd turn that thing off post-haste. But 24? No way, man.
He decides the beach is a great place to fire off a list of tasks that he feels I need the manage while he's away. (Not that we didn't go over this three to nine times before he left…).
F-ing awesome.
I do the smart thing and choose not to respond.
Two days later - "Please send mid-week status report on current helpdesk activity.".....
I'm thinking "What a damned joy this guy must be to his family on vacation." I can visualize him, checklist in hand, having the kids verify the daily vacation task list and telling them to submit request forms for any activites not currently scheduled.
I wonder if he schedules "exception time" to get it on with the Mrs.?
First Friday, post-24x7 departure. "Please submit weekly status report."
At this point, I feel I have to reply. My response was as follows : "Dude, you're on vacation. Try to enjoy it. Everything under control. World continues to revolve. I'm doing you a favor by NOT sumbitting a report. We will catch up upon your return. Sun continues to rise. P.S. - they grow awesome coffee there. Bring me some back. If a response is received, I will remotely wipe your BlackBerry.
Enjoy. This is not a request."
Didn't hear back until he was actually back in the states. Did not get the coffee - just some kinda-sorta O.K. cookies.
That bastard.
Moral of the story : I work to live. I don't live to work.
Look. Someday, you're gonna die. Do you want to look back on your life and think "Damn, I'm sure glad I kept up on those TPS reports." or
woudl “you rather think, I had a f---ing good run. I did what I wanted to do, saw what I wanted to see, and had a good time doing it."
This company I work for will have absolutely no impact on, or signifigance to the world, historically. I'd rather enjoy my life while I can.
This lesson was fully reinforced by my father-in-law who, after years of working his *** off, promptly had a heart attack and died the freakin' day after he finally retired.
He had tickets to Hawaii for the next evening.
Of course, he was kind of an asshole, so it may have just been karma.
Enjoy.
Life with a Geek... How to Earn a Geek's Respect.
28/09/11 21:26 Filed in: Work
This should be obvious to most but, to my continuing amazement, it is not.
It is very easy to earn the respect of your local “computer guys” - just admit and respect that fact that, in this one particular area, (Technologuy : PC’s, gadgets, phones, etc.) we DO know more than you.
I’ll readily admit that I know jack about corporate law, managing the financials of a million dollar company, marketing, and all that other business-type stuff that I don’t really care (or want to care) about.
I understand that you went to some higher education facility, worked your way up the ladder, etc.
You know things I don’t. Good for you, pal. I admit this freely.
While I can balance my checkbook, and make a pretty Excel sheet and all that other jazz, it doesn’t mean I’m going to come across with an attitude like I have even the slightest clue about how to do your job.
Therefore, just because you have a Dell Inferioron at home that you’ve managed to install Office on all by yourself and you know to periodically run Windows update, that does not mean you're even remotely qualified to offer your opinion on how I should maintain and manage your machine at work (correction - MY machine that you’re borrowing).
I’ve actually had people tell me “No, thats not it.” when I offer them the solution to a problem.
Honestly now, there are over three hundred machines I’m responsible for - most of my peers work for companies with many, many, more.
The odds of you coming up with something I haven’t seen before are about the same as me hooking up with Natalie Portman (mmmm.... Natalie... Oh, sorry.).
Look, I’ve seen **** that would make the MCP from Tron crap his digital pants, O.K.?
Second-guessing your friendly neighborhood help desk guy will immediately get you on the IT PITA list.
If you’re on “The List” your quality of support WILL suffer.
You will find that, for some reason, the person who always winds being dispatched to help you is either :
. a) the new guy
. b) the guy we’re planning on laying off soon
. c) the guy who owes someone else on the help desk money
. d) the jerk went to Starbucks and didn’t bring back something for the other guys
. e) the guy who “smells funny”
. f) whoever lost the coin toss and is pissed off about it
Keep this in mind before you offer your highly valuable opinion.
If you REALLY want to get on our good side, admit it when we ask you if you did something to hose your machine.
I’ve never yelled at a user for making a mistake. Good natured ribbing on occasion, yes, but that’s usually to get the user out of panic mode.
Example of my favorite users :
A former corporate attorney. (Seriously, A lawyer, can you believe it?!)
His laptop was seriously infected with a really bad rootkit and a few other super-nasty pieces of “Oh Crapware”.
It was acting up and performance was terrible.
When we asked him if anything unusual had happened recently, he eventually admitted that he had opened a few email attachments that he suspected he should not have.
He basically stated “Yeah, I f-ed up and fell for it. So I called you guys before I even brought it back into the office.”
His readiness to admit he messed up saves us a lot of troubleshooting time, and probably protected us from a security breach.
Heck, we even bought him a router with a SPI firewall for his home setup so he’d be better protected in the future.
Another fine example : former CFO.
He’s an older gentleman who openly admits these newfangled computer thingies sometimes give him fits.
He’s actually fairly savvy in general, but once he gets off track or starts digging through an application’s options, he’s pretty good at messing things up royally.
He’s also famous for forgetting how to do things if he doesn’t do them routinely.
Fortunately, his calls are usually pretty amusing; “Hey, you showed me how to archive a bunch of my old e-mails the other day - again - remember? Well, I’ll be damned if I forgot how to get them back. Again. Think you can come over?”
Sure dude...
Just keep this in mind, and well get along great.
You do your job.
Let us do ours.
We wouldn’t be doing this if we didn’t want to help.
Respect the skills. (While we probably won’t openly admit it) We respect yours as well.
Sold!
28/09/11 20:44 Filed in: Work
Change is in the air…
Recently, my employer was purchased by another company.
This can be either very good, or very bad for me.
Part of the process involved me interviewing FOR MY OWN JOB with five people.
Three barely spoke intelligible English, one did not look old enough to drink, and one seemed she was in WAAAAY over her head.
None seem anywhere NEAR capable of taking over a business of our size and complexity.
They have promised to announce their decisions on who they plan on keeping, and who gets “let go” in the next few weeks.
I am conflicted. I see the potential excitement of getting to rework some things and there is the benefit of some actual
MONEY being invested in the company again.
Yet there is also the potential nightmare of staying and watching things fall or be torn apart.
Then there’s also the chance of flat-out unemployment (shudder)...
Interesting times ahead…